July 25, 2014

lesbian podcast 586 Three Days Later

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The only thing worse than having to go the doctor to explain that you've left a tampon up inside yourself for the last three days is when the doctor explains to you that it's more common than you think. As a public service to women everywhere, Lesbians of the world need to unite to help inspect vaginas everywhere just in case someone inadvertently left something up there. We're professionals...we can help.


lesbian podcast

May 22, 2014

lesbian podcast 585 Fuckles the Clown

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There's are reason some children are fearful of clowns. They go to parties with clowns that should have retired 20 years earlier. Back in the day they might have enjoyed clowning, but now they hate little children, they're sick of making balloon animals and the clown suit smells like sweat and vomit because it hasn't been cleaned in those last 20 years either.


lesbian podcast

May 18, 2014

lesbian podcast 584 Plumber Crack

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When a job needs to be done and something in the house needs to be fixed it's time to call a professional. You can't just call anyone. You want to make sure they have years of experience and have earned a badge of respect in their trade. If a plumber shows up at your house and they don't show you some plumber's crack within the first 30 seconds of starting job, it's time to ask them to leave. Clearly, they have not earned their professional license.


lesbian podcast

May 7, 2014

lesbian podcast 583 Hunger Strike

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If you're planning to go on a hunger strike you might want to make sure that somebody really cares enough about what you're protesting to give a crap about whether you die doing it or not. You don't want a bunch of people showing up with steaming buckets of Chick-Fil-A to see whether you'll get through the next 40 days withough dying of starvation. Place your bets.


lesbian podcast

May 4, 2014

lesbian podcast 582 Eat Chicken

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Every food group has its own version of some sick, disgusting food equivalent. Beef has pink slime and meat glue, chicken has McNuggets and dairy has Cheez Whiz. It's not really something to worry about. Just do as mom did and cut off the bad parts with that are all green, moldy and inedible...and serve it anyway. Nobody will figure it out, because the insepector is screwing the plant manager.


lesbian podcast

April 30, 2014

lesbian podcast 581 Easter Egg

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The true test of parenthood is when you fall down in the playground, twist your ankle around to the back of your head, hit the ground in the worst pain you've ever felt shooting up your leg....and you still don't let out a swear word in front of all the children. The good news is that instead of boiling eggs to color for Easter, you can just put your swollen foot full of special colors inside an Easter basket and call it good.


lesbian podcast

April 28, 2014

lesbian podcast 580 GPS Wars

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Why waste weeks of your life starving in the jungle on Survivor? Now you can test your mettle by getting dropped off in a rental car in a new city without a working GPS. Or, maybe you get a GPS, but it either overheats, the charger tip breaks off, it shows a picture of you in the middle of the bay while it tells you over and over again to get back on the bridge, or maybe it just goes blank for no reason in the middle of nowhere.


lesbian podcast

April 14, 2014

lesbian podcast 579 Full On Asshat

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What do you get for two Gay Men that have everything and now have a brand new baby boy? You hop onto Ebay and you get screwed by a buyer advertising two baby boy style teethers, but only sends one...with polka dots. And, you get super screwed by a meth head selling a car seat tightener advertised as brand new, but looks like a child vomited food all over it and then shoved it up the dog's butt. Klassy.


lesbian podcast

April 9, 2014

lesbian podcast 578 Red Star

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Next time you go for take-out, make sure you check the bag for a red star. The red star doesn't mean you're the most special customer of the day. It means that someone at the restaurant thinks you're a flaming bitch. The red star means that every employee in the restaurant should jizz in your bag, empty out used plates into your food and drop a pubic hair in the bag as they pass by.


lesbian podcast

April 6, 2014

lesbian podcast 577 Gift Basket

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Two words sum up the difference between Lesbians and straight women - gift basket. The straight woman's gift basket consists of bath beads, kitchen implements and a sexy apron to wear with nothing else on when your husband gets home. The Lesbian's gift basket has a case of Beers From Around the World and a set of BBQ utensils.


lesbian podcast

March 30, 2014

lesbian podcast 576 Zip Ties

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If you're in law enforcement and you're trying to solve a major crime, here's a tip. If the killer uses duct tape, it either a straight woman or a man. Real Lesbians only uses zip ties. Don't feel bad...I didn't know that either.


lesbian podcast

March 24, 2014

lesbian podcast 575 Pear Shaped Head

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Out of ideas for a great new side dish for your next Super Bowl party? Here's a secret - follow around an 18 month old child, watch the foods they put together and write down all those special recipes. Who can resist blueberry yogurt and black olives. The best part is that there is absolutely no chance of anyone showing up at the same party with your super secret signature dish. Delish.


lesbian podcast

March 17, 2014

lesbian podcast 574 Douche

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It's hard to believe that calling someone a douche is a bad thing. If you're a douche you get handled gently by a nice woman, you get inserted snugly inside a warm vagina, and you become all slippery and wet. What's not to like? Oooh...forgot about the part that the reason you're being used is because that vagina smells like the tuna fish you left out for the stray cat last week.


lesbian podcast

March 13, 2014

lesbian podcast 573 Auto Pay

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The Internet has afforded humanity so many wonderful conveniences. We can find a restaurant in cities we've never been to before, we can find a date (or an f-buddy) right around the corner or pay all our bills online automatically without ever buying a stamp. It's all good until nobody knows you've been dead for the last six years because all your bills are setup on auto-pay.


lesbian podcast

March 10, 2014

lesbian podcast 572 Sexy Lady

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When the DMV says online that the wait is only twenty minutes, what they mean is that it will take twenty minutes for you to reach the front door so that you can take a number and wait in a line that will take another three hours. Good thing they don't charge for parking.


lesbian podcast

March 2, 2014

lesbian podcast 571 Book Report

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Now that Gay marriage is legal in more than half the states in the U.S. we no longer have to worry about young Lesbians bringing the U-Haul to the second date. Now we have to worry about the long waiting list at the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas and the scarcity of wedding cakes all over the country. At least the wedding flowers can be recycled, since the divorces will be happening before the flowers lose their scent.


lesbian podcast

February 26, 2014

lesbian podcast 570 Trans Fat

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Chalk one up for the Girl Scouts and their entrepreneurial spirit. Instead of trying to hawk cookies outside the grocery store where someone has just purchased two boxes of the generic cookies that were on sale for 99 cents, they decided to take their business right to where their customers are. The Girl Scouts have set up shop right outside the pot store, and sales have never been better.


lesbian podcast

February 23, 2014

lesbian podcast 569 Lesbian Grocery Sunday

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Now that football is over for the season, Lesbians hardly know what to do with themselves on a Sunday afternoon. Well, we have the solution. It's called Lesbian Grocery Store Sunday. Instead of trolling the online dating forums, simply don your best looking pair of sweats and head to the grocery store. Find a hot chick, check out her cart to see if you're compatible, and she could be moving in with you by next weekend.


lesbian podcast

February 19, 2014

lesbian podcast 568 Hard Ons

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You can brag about the length. You can take pride in the girth. You can brag all you want about how you know how to use that thing to its maximum advantage. You might even think you're awesome because you have two. Well, you've got nothing on us Lesbians. Each Lesbian has an average of 3.5 in a drawer next to their beds...and they never go limp.


lesbian podcast

February 16, 2014

lesbian podcast 567 Repressed Memories

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There's a reason the human brain chooses to repress certain memories. It's a protective mechanism so that you can live with yourself and the people around you by conveniently forgetting the most traumatic memories of your life. Not just any memories, but the kind of memories where your mother walks in on you and your iPad while you're sitting on the toilet taking a crap.


lesbian podcast

February 12, 2014

lesbian podcast 566 Mrs. Sasquatch

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Bigfoot used to be no big deal, but once there was a $10 million Bigfoot challenge...now it's on. For $10 million you're ready to have Bigfoot's baby, and you'll go down on Mrs. Bigfoot just to make sure you clinch the deal. Who cares if she hasn't shaved that bush in the last two decades? For $10 million...it's all worth it.


lesbian podcast

January 26, 2014

lesbian podcast 565 Pits and Ass

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Fund-raisers are a dime a dozen these days. Everyone is riding their bike, running a marathon or dancing all night long to raise money for one charity or another. If your friends are suffering from fund-raising fatigue and they don't want to donate money for another cause, it's time to big out the big guns. Invite them to an event where women are removing their clothes and dancing on poles and you'll be able to meet your fund-raising goal in one hour or less.


lesbian podcast

January 22, 2014

lesbian podcast 564 Love Canal

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If you're going to throw a loud party that lasts all night long you want to make sure nobody in the neighborhood spoils your fun by calling the cops. Don't take any chances. All you have to do is to bring the Grilled Cheese truck and invite a couple of token Lesbians to your party. If you don't know any token Lesbians just contact us. We'll hook you up. Don't forget the tater tots.


lesbian podcast

January 18, 2014

lesbian podcast 563 I'm Next

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If you want to avoid the flu this season you can install hand sanitizer stations in every room in your house, you can carry anti-bacterial wipes with you everywhere you go, and you can choose only to give fist bumps instead of handshakes or hugs. Or, you can simply get a flu shot and stop whining.


lesbian podcast

December 11, 2013

lesbian podcast 562 Blind Bush

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As you get older and start losing your vision, it doesn't become any less important to continue keeping up with good vag-scaping habits. Just because you can't see your bush, doesn't mean it doesn't require some regular grooming and upkeep. You can go out and get yourself a good bush-trimmer with all the accoutrements...or you can take your chances with some unscrupulous young lady from Craig's List. Just don't be surprised if she carves a pentagram in your bush and dyes it blue.


lesbian podcast

December 8, 2013

lesbian podcast 561 Bye Bye Bosco

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When we invite them into our homes, our dogs become part of our family. Or, maybe we really become part of their pack. They share their lives with us, they show us unconditional love and they are loyal to the end. So, when a dog passes over we feel that we've lost a little piece of ourselves in the process. Not so for cats....just kidding, Lesbians!


lesbian podcast

December 4, 2013

lesbian podcast 560 Three Minutes

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Sometimes you just want to kick back and enjoy a good movie. You want to sit in the movie theater, relax and enjoy some passive entertainment. It's all good until you realize the move is subtitled and you have to work at reading the movie instead of watching it. If I wanted to read the book...I would have stayed at home. Then the sex scene starts...


lesbian podcast

December 1, 2013

lesbian podcast 559 Holiday Traditions

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Family traditions are a beautiful part of celebrating the holidays. These are the moments that create memories that will live on forever as part of your family heritage. The only reason that family traditions carry on is because the holidays come around only once a year. It takes an entire year to recover from the shock, the anger and the stress that occurs when all the carefully laid plans breakdown, somebody gets pissed off, somebody has a meltdown, and more than one person winds up needing a change of clothes. Happy Holidays.


lesbian podcast

November 27, 2013

lesbian podcast 558 Sheeeeet

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With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it's time to kick off the holiday season in style. It's time to sit in front of your computer to type that annual holiday letter to all your friends, family and people you care about to tell them what you've been up to all year long. Of course if you really gave a shit about them you might have actually picked up the phone once or twice throughout the year instead of contacting them once a year with some ridiculous form letter that nobody wants to read anyway.


lesbian podcast

November 20, 2013

lesbian podcast 557 Mommy and Me

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Mommy and Me classes used to be a nice safe place to bring your babies and toddlers. You could relax in the company of other moms and their kids while you learned new things about having children and raising a family. It was a protected space where you knew nothing would go wrong and you would have to worry about anything. And then one day...the Lesbian showed up.


lesbian podcast

November 17, 2013

lesbian podcast 556 Racist Homophobe

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There really is a place where it doesn't matter which ethnic background you come from, which religion you are, your gender or your sexual orientation. Try calling a government office to make an appointment and everyone from any walk of life will suffer equally. You'll be stuck in a voice telephone system that's impossible to navigate and then after waiting on hold for hours, you'll be disconnected as soon as someone comes on the line. Equality for all.


lesbian podcast

November 13, 2013

lesbian podcast 555 Monsters Inside Me

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Lesson learned. Buy American and you won't have to worry about importing all kinds of foreign bugs and larva that will burrow into your skin and erupt with millions of babies that you now have to raise and take care of as your own. One baby is just plenty.


lesbian podcast

November 10, 2013

lesbian podcast 554 Superman

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When the Gaybee of the neighborhood wants to go trick or treating on Halloween, the neighbors better not have anything to say about the Gaybee coming to their door twice for candy. Not unless they want the Lesbian Mom to pull out a can of Dyke-Ass on them. And...nobody better have anything to say about Superman wearing a diaper.


lesbian podcast

November 6, 2013

lesbian podcast 553 Celine is Dead

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Pedophiles have become very clever in the means they use to try and lure kids away. That's why it's important for your kids to have a safe word they can use with a stranger that approaches to offer them a ride or some candy. The only parents that don't need to worry when a stranger comes up to their kid and says, "Your mom asked me to pick you up from school today" is the kid with two Gay Dads.


lesbian podcast

November 3, 2013

lesbian podcast 552 Martha Stewart for Men

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It's not that Lesbians don't like Martha Stewart. We enjoy a nice afternoon of crafting as much as the straight girls next door. It's just that "crafting" for Lesbians includes putting up shelves, building a new addition on the house, and installing a pergola and a fire pit in the backyard. "Dykes on a Dyme" will show you how at: youtube.com/dykesonadyme.


lesbian podcast

October 30, 2013

lesbian podcast 551 Common Sense App

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Smart phones in the hands of stupid people - it's either an oxymoron or just a really bad idea. Before anyone is allowed to leave the Verizon store with a new phone they should be forced to take an IQ test and then be mandated to download, and register for, the Common Sense App. If you refuse to take the test, then you get a Blackberry instead.


lesbian podcast

October 27, 2013

lesbian podcast 550 Death by Late Fee

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Conventional wisdom says that you should never pay for your whores with your credit card. Not only does it leave a tell-tale paper trail, but you also run the risk of your wife finding out about all your extracurricular activities. Then again, you're missing all those frequent flyer miles and rewards points you could be accruing with all those expensive purchases. It might be a worthwhile trade-off.


October 23, 2013

lesbian podcast 549 Boobs For Eternity

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One of the most altruistic gestures a human being can do is to donate their organs to another person when they die. Why should fake boobs be any different? There must be some needy, flat-chested young lady that can't afford fake boobs by herself. You could change her life forever by allowing her to take over your boobs once you're gone. Besides, the coffin isn't going to close if you leave them in.


lesbian podcast

October 20, 2013

lesbian podcast 548 Deep Fried Butter

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The Affordable Care Act is a wonderful thing. No longer do you have to walk around with a mole the size of a quarter on your face, just waiting for it to turn into a cancerous mass. Instead you can choose to groom the hairs coming out the mole and style it in the theme of the nearest holiday. Who doesn't look good with mole hairs dyed green for St. Patty's Day?


lesbian podcast

October 16, 2013

lesbian podcast 547 Regift

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When you were a little child your parents thought your were The Gift. You were the perfect child, you could do no wrong and you could get away with anything. Now that the Grandkid has come along, you've been regifted. The only reason you're invited on family vacations now is so that you can bring the New Gift...and to do the cooking.


lesbian podcast

October 13, 2013

lesbian podcast 546 Perfect Parents

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Being a parent is like being abducted by aliens. You have lapses of time that you just can't account for and you're not at all sure what's happened during that time. One minute you were all packed and ready to to go somewhere, and the next thing you know it's an hour later and the baby has vomited all over himself while you're on the freeway in rush hour traffic in the car pool lane. You don't really have an explanation for all the lost time, but you can't guarantee you weren't anal probed either.


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